Boy was I impressed with Dr. Laura today as I was listening on the way home from the gym. I got to hear two stories along with her response to both of them and I have to say… her advice was kick ass.
The first story was from a gal who called in to say that her in-laws were horrible influences on their kids and that they were drug addicts and that they had distanced themselves because of the possible ramifications in order to protect their children. Not in those exact words but you pretty much get the idea. Dr. Laura basically said that there was nothing wrong with distancing themselves in order to protect the kids from parents with drug addictions or even parents who would wind up being destructive to the kids. It was her husband’s job to be in protection mode for his wife and children. It got me thinking about my own situation with my parents. No, they are not drug addicts but they are quite destructive when it comes time to be grown ups in front of their grand children. Dr. Laura said that parents who have destructive behaviors do not have a right to have a relationship with their grandchildren. Even though I already knew that… it was still nice to hear and see Dr. Laura validating that point with her caller.
The second story was from a Mom who’s son was going to be getting married. There’s an issue with the in-laws calling up the groom’s Mom telling her that they have to pay for half of the wedding, etc. I got the impression from this caller that it was the bride’s mother’s way or the high way. So doctor Laura told the mom caller to simply tell the bride’s mother that she would not be paying for half the wedding because it was not her venue. (You know, the brides parents pay for the wedding and the groom’s parents pay for the rehersal dinner and the honey moon.) Well…the groom’s Mom had already told the bride’s Mom that she would not be paying for half the wedding so the bride’s Mom told the groom’s Mom that if they attended or any of their side of the family attended the wedding that they would each have to pay $200.00 – Then doctor Laura asked the groom’s Mom what her son had to say about it. Like a dog with his tail hanging in between his legs he told his own mother that they (he and his bride) could not afford to pay for the wedding and that he basically didn’t want to be involved. So Dr. Laura basically told the groom’s mom that she should inform her son and the bride’s mother that they would not be attending the wedding. At which point maybe her son would put his penis back on and stand up for his family. I LOVED IT!
Today was a good day listening to Dr. Laura. I don’t always agree with her advice but as with anything… you take what you need and you leave the rest. She was so spot on and so ballsy with what she had to say. Yay Dr. Laura.
I can’t stand her boyfriend. I can hardly wait for them to break up. She had the nerve to ask if he could come to her father’s graduation this weekend. My mind played out what I would have said: no, hell no, and he’s not welcome at the house or the graduation! Instead I told her that it wasn’t really up to me. (In other words, ask your dad!? Duh!?)
Talk about throwing a curve ball damper into a day that we have waited on for an extremely long time. So no, the boyfriend can not come to our event. He was not invited. He’s not welcome. He can pretty much kiss my ass!? Why can’t she be just a tad bit more thoughtful? Maybe we don’t want to celebrate with her jackass boyfriend!?
Then she asks me what the plans are for father’s day. Of course I’m already on the defensive so I ask her why? And she says it’s because she’s planning on doing some babysitting that day. I say to her, “Who on earth would ask you to baby sit on Father’s Day!?” So she’s like, “Don’t worry Mom..it’s not like I’m not going to see you guys that day.”
Lucky for this one time her Dad doesn’t care if some other Dad asked her to baby sit for him on Father’s Day. You know, I would think that Dad’s would want to spend time with their kids on Father’s day or at least try and take a moment to remember that other families have Father’s on Father’s Day too.
My final straw on that one is that I’m not going to borrow trouble. As long as it doesn’t bother my husband, her Dad, then I will not make a stink out of it. I do still think it’s pretty shitty to ask somebody to watch your kids on Father’s Day. WTF?
She asked if she could live with her Aunt and Uncle. Ultimately it was our decision and they did ask us what we thought about it. What could we say? She doesn’t listen to us. So we basically told them we were fine with it. So now she’s living with her Aunt and Uncle. I’ll admit, I am relieved by this latest move of hers but am wonderring to myself how long it will be before there are problems over there.
I’m going to back off and leave them alone for awhile. I’ll wait for my SIL to call me with something fun to do with the kids. I know they are super busy this week from what she told me the other day. All of the jobs that she has now are closer to their house so that’s kind of nice. She can ride a bike to work if they are unable to take her which is something I tried to implement a long time ago over here at our house.
So basically she’s going to live at their house until she moves into the dorms in August. She asked them if she could live with them until that time and they said yes. So that’s how it goes and I’m completely fine with it.
She did come over and have dinner with us the other night. She spent time with her little sisters who are completely heart broken that she’s not here. She painted their toes and fingers and they had a ball. The 5 year old cried and cried when she left to go back to her Aunt and Uncle’s house.
I found out when we had dinner that my folks signed a guarantor document that the university needed in order for her to move into the dormitory. We told her no, her Aunt and Uncle told her no, and they agreed to do it right away and had it faxed back to her in no time flat. I think it’s great that they did this for her because we could not. We can’t afford it. If something were to happen to her on accident and she couldn’t work to provide that rent we could not afford the $450.00 per month it takes to fulfill the contract for the next year. That’s right, the next year. So I’m glad my folks were able to do that for her.
One thing she did mention to me was that she was getting a little tired of her grandmother crying on the phone every single time she called to talk to them. I guess my mom likes to cry and complain to her about me and how I haven’t apologized to her all this time. News Flash People! I’m NOT going to apologize to her. I didn’t do anything to her. She always walks away from the situation. She’s the one that left MY house instead of staying to try and work things out. Oh and my father? He’s not off the hook! He’s gone right along with her in not having anything to do with me and he wasn’t even here to see what went down.
I’m tired of apologizing over and over again to keep the peace. The last time she was here she really hurt the girls’ feelings with the things that she was telling them and they were just babies. Poor little princess (she was three years old at the time) got pushed out of the bathroom because she said Grandma’s hairspray was stinky. Why couldn’t my mom just go with it? In any case… my father is no better. He goes along with everything she says and does and has kept it that way for years. I have the little ones to protect now. They don’t deserve to have their little feelings hurt all the time.
But yeah, every time she calls to talk to her grandparents my mother cries and complains about how I have not apologized to her. I’m not going to either. It’s not that I haven’t ever apologized to both of them… it’s that they think they deserve it every time. I’m almost 40 years old with my own family and I’m getting a bit tired of all the BS. So no… this time they are not getting an apology for me. If they want to miss important events like graduations then that will be something they have to live with for the rest of their lives.
Deep down I think it’s disgusting that my own mother is stubborn and expects me to apologize to her EVERY SINGLE TIME. It irritates me that they don’t know how to tell their own adult children how sorry they are for things that they have done in the past that hurt us. My own parents called CPS on me back when my oldest was just four years old because they didn’t like the housing arrangement I was in at the time. Can you believe that? My own parents calling CPS on me and all because my stubborn bullheaded mother did not like the fact that I was living in a house at the time with three other adults. See what happens when she doesn’t get her way? Naturally the case worker investigated, found the allegations unfounded, and the entire case was dropped. However, the case remains open in my own heart and mind. Where was my apology then? Where is my apology today? We can’t even sit down and hash it out like adults because my mother has personal issues she will never get over. That’s fine, I’m in protection mode. I will not subject my kids to her wrath.
So… it’s been two years since they have talked to me. I often wonder how my father can live with his decision to support her in EVERYTHING. Oh well… it’s their life… right?
It will be interesting to see how long my daughter will last at her Aunt and Uncle’s house before she ruins that situation. I hope for her sake and my sanity that she is successful and does right by them. I want her moving in over there to be a positive experience for all of us. After all, it’s not permanent. It’s just until she moves into the dorms in August. We’ll have to wait and see how it goes I guess.
She is going to kiss a bunch of frogs before she finds her prince. I just hope and pray that she doesn’t get hurt too badly along the way. She will get her heart broken but mostly she will just wind up hurting herself if she doesn’t figure out how to respect herself. Please respect yourself…ok?
I wish that I could give her some incite into my past so that she would know everything I do for her is to protect her. I know I have to let her go. There is nothing more that I can do to protect her from the outside world. I can’t even protect her from herself.
I’m not so sure counseling works any more. She basically says what the person in front of her for that moment wants to hear. It’s as if she’s a moth being drawn into the flame of right and wrong. She knows the difference between right and wrong. Even though she pretends she doesn’t understand… she really and truly does get it. She knows what she is doing is wrong yet she keeps doing it. I suppose that is what is meant when people say that we are born sinful.
So much has gone on this past week. I couldn’t take the lying. I’m tired of being used. I needed to leave and get out of town. I needed to be with my family. Hopefully I can gain the strength and the peace to be able to get through the rest of the summer without any major incidents.
But yeah… I have to let her go. She has to figure out her life for herself. There is not a whole lot more that I can do but to give her choices and let her pick which path she’s going to take. That’s really all that is left for me to do. When she comes back and asks for my opinion I can certainly share that with her. She has to respect our house rules. Oh and I suppose I can keep lifting her up in prayer. That’s something… right?
Yep, he’s flying into town today. He doesn’t have a drivers license because he’s had so many DUI’s that the judge finally took his away and he is on probationary period. Hopefully at some point he will learn his lesson? At almost 40 years of age I highly doubt it.
Ok, so he’s flying into town today. We are going to pick him up at some point either from the airport or the hotel where he is going to stay. My daughter says that is what she wants so that is what we will do… but only together… her and I. She will not be spending time with him alone unless we are in the same public space and I can pop into a shop next door. That’s just the way it’s going to have to be. Supervised visitation is all he gets until she gets to know him a little better and can see for herself where she wants the relationship to go.
My husband and I are putting our best foot forward. We are prepared to have him out to the house but will make arrangements for the little ones to be somewhere else. They don’t need their little hearts broken at this point in their life. We will protect them at all costs. Besides, we have no idea how much of a relationship he wants to have with our oldest daughter, if any at all. It’s a lot that he’s even flying into town to watch her graduate.
So I will try and pop on here throughout this experience and keep y’all posted. It’s good for me to get it all out. Wish us luck and keep all of us in your prayers. Who knows… maybe this meeting with his daughter will be the fire that instigates him to get himself together for once? Can he do it? Will he do it? Only time will tell…?
Watching this YouTube video by Dr. Laura was a great indication that I am on the right path when it comes to my kids and the internet. If you are a parent, I sure hope you are on the right track too.
My teen is not allowed computer access to Myspace and/or Facebook unless she adds me as her friend. I don’t have to be her “top friend” but she does need to add me so that her friends will know that I am on there, etc.
She is also not allowed to change her log-in and/or password. If she changes it then she is not permitted to use the home computers to access these social networking sites.
At some point she will go off to college and I’m sure she’ll get to a point where she’ll either change the password or she will not really care because she will not have time to worry about it.
I do log into her accounts to make sure she is not being harassed by other kids, etc. When she was a freshman in high school she was bullied on Myspace and I was so glad to know what was happening to her by older girls. I was able to put a stop to it. She didn’t like it at the time but eventually she began to understand the importance of parents having your back.
I try and make a habit of logging into her accounts a couple of times a month just to make sure everything is A-Ok. Nothing wrong with a parent knowing what is going on with their child. So Kudos to Dr. Laura for tackling this issue. I hope more parents out there will get involved with what is going on with their kids at school and at home.
Positive Self Talk
1. Make a positive comment about how you can handle the situation. “This is not a big deal…”
“I’ve done this before; I can do this again…”
“If I keep going, I’m going to make it worse…”
2. Repeat until you feel yourself calming down.
3. Discuss your feelings with staff.
Anger Control Strategies
1. If person is talking to you, use listening skill and acknowledge what he or she is saying.
2. Monitor your body’s feelings and how quickly you are breathing.
3. Breathe slowly and deeply.
4. Giver yourself instruction to continue breathing deeply and relax your tense body areas.
5. If appropriate, calmly ask for a few minutes to be by yourself.
6. While alone, continue to monitor feelings and instruct yourself to relax.
Relaxation Strategies
1. Breathe deeply and completely.
2. Tighten and relax any tense body areas.
3. Instruct yourself to remain calm.
4. Visualize a relaxing scene (mountains, walking on beach).
5. At the first sign of increasing stress, say to yourself (10-4-10): Breathe in through your nose for 10 seconds, hold for 4 seconds and breathe out through your mouth for 10 seconds.
Deep Breathing
1. Take a deep breath in through your nose, hold it for 2 seconds.
2. Let breath out slowly through your mouth.
3. Repeat until you feel yourself calming down.
4. Discuss your feeling with staff.
Counting
1. Count slowly form 1-10.
2. Count backwards from 10-1.
3. Repeat until you feel yourself calming down.
4. Discuss your feelings with staff.
Saying ABC’s
1. Find a quiet place or put your head down.
2. Quietly say your ABC’s.
3. Say them backwards.
4. Repeat until you feel yourself calming down.
5. Discuss your feeling with staff.
Take Space
1. Ask permission; i.e., “May I?”
2. Use calm tone.
3. Accept staff response; i.e., location.
4. Self monitor feelings.
5. Share feeling with staff.
Anger Diary/Journal
1. Request permission to write in your journal.
2. Record your thoughts, feelings and specific ways you plan on handling the situation.
3. Continue until you feel yourself calming down.
4. Discuss your feelings with staff.
5. Share journal with therapist (during scheduled visits).
Self Control Strategies Continued
Matthew 18:21-22
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
Ephesians 4:26-27
“In your anger do not sin” : Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foot-hold.
I know there has been so much drama lately. So much is going on. My baby turned into a toddler. Then she turned into a little girl. Then my little girl turned into a tween. From a tween she became a teenager and now she is about to graduate from high school and go on to college. She is making decisions with me and it’s scary. I just want what is best for her. I love her. I care for her. I don’t want anybody to hurt her. Most of all…I don’t want her to hurt herself. She has no idea how beautiful she is or how smart she is or how much good she can do with the heart that she has. Sure…she’s made some horrible decisions this year and we have had some horrible fights. But no matter what… I LOVE HER.
She came home tonight with her dad and apologized to me. She didn’t just tell me that she was sorry for how she acted today…she threw her arms around me and told me she was sorry. I accepted her apology and told her too how much I loved her. Of course I love her more…she will never know just how much but that’s ok. At least we don’t have to be like those other Mothers and Daughters….right?
I don’t understand what it is about Mothers and Daughters that keeps us from getting along. I wish that my daughter could understand how worried I am about her.
We were in the doctor’s room waiting for over 45 minutes before we were seen. In the meantime we were fighting, her and I. She was being rude to me and on top of all of it asking me for the world and expecting me to give it to her. I don’t think so.
So the doctor asked a bunch of questions. It turns out that Plan B is nothing more than doubling up on your birth control pills. It’s like taking two birth control pills instead of one. So she didn’t do any damage to herself. But the doctor did also say that Plan B is not 100% just like birth control pills are not 100%…just like condoms are not 100%. The only thing that is 100% in preventing pregnancy and STDS is abstinence.
The doctor did ask her why her boyfriend wasn’t using condoms. She chimed in that normally they do use condoms but that for this last time they didn’t. I had mentioned that they had sex twice on prom night. (She wanted me to tell the story of why she was there…so I did) I’m so flippin’ frustrated right now.
So because she was on her period (Thank Goodness) the doctor said we could hold off on the exam and STD tests. She offered to go ahead and do the blood tests but preferred to just come back and do all of it when she is not on her period.
When we left the doctors office she wanted to know how it is that I knew she had sex twice on prom night. Well… because I read your journal. That’s how I knew. She shouldn’t leave her journal out in the open of her bedroom if she doesn’t want anybody to get into it. She should keep her room picked up and her stuff put away. Besides…parents that care about their kids are going to read the things that their kids leave out because it’s a cry for attention. If she didn’t want me to read it then she would have never left it out in the first place. I told her that too.
So we’re going at it… back and forth… in the van on the way home. She’s got her boyfriend on the cell phone and I basically tell her, “what do I need to do.. go out and buy you a box of condoms? Why can’t your boyfriend keep his wee wee inside of his pants or wrapped up in a condom?”
Why doesn’t she have enough respect for herself to insist that he wear one? It’s already bad enough that they are having sex but to just let him penetrate her without a condom… geeze… come on!?? Use a condom!!!!! Wrap the shit up!!!!!
So…. I turned up the radio. She turned it off… I turned it up… she turned it off… she was on the phone with her boyfriend. I told her she could talk to him later that this was my van… I turned it back up. Things got just a tad bit physically confrontational. We are just not getting along.
I think I’m going to just leave her alone. She wants to ruin her life….there’s nothing I can do about it. I just need to let the chips fall where they may. Whatever… right?
