Blabbable Secrets

Because spilling the beans beats going to therapy

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Asking him to leave

March 4th, 2010 · Sordid Details

Dear Blabb,

I’ve read all sorts of things lately with regard to all this cheating stuff. About half of what I read, advises one to try to work things out. And a few years ago when this first happened, I was all for that. I didn’t want my marriage to be a failure (this is the 2nd one for both of us).

And a few years ago, it was worth saving.

Now, though. I’m not so sure.

I think if he had showed me last time that he was truly remorseful and had really tried to help me make things work, I’d still be on the page, I’d still be thinking perhaps it was salvageable.

But he didn’t try. He hasn’t tried. He never even apologized. He never once said he was sorry or felt guilty. In fact, he tried to blame ME! LOL

He said “Well, you didn’t this or didn’t that.” Or “You . . . blah, blah, blah, so it’s your fault.”

I refuted every single word he said back then as calmly and lovingly as I could. I proved to him the issues he was talking about had nothing to do with me and they, in fact, were issues he had in his first marriage. After many further discussions and really thinking about it a bit, he agreed I was right. Still, he never apologized.

But you know, I thought it really did have something to do with his ex-wife so I was willing to let it go and move on. I was willing to trust that it would be the end of the whole thing.

Since then, he’s proven otherwise, though.

One of the things we agreed on was that he would get some kind of help. I suggested several avenues – talking with a pastor we knew or finding another pastor we didn’t really know if he was more comfortable with that. I suggested if he didn’t want to talk to a pastor, he talk with a friend of ours who is a social worker and studying to become a psychologist. And I suggested if he wasn’t comfortable with either of those options, we could see a regular counselor.

Instead, he read some books. I mean, that’s nice. Books are good. But if you don’t put into practice what those books are advising you to do, it doesn’t make a difference. And of course, you can’t talk to a book. You can’t really get any feedback. It is just pretty one-sided. Maybe it doesn’t even help you get to the root of whatever issues you’re dealing with.

I think books really are good but not as a sole source of help.

But nonetheless, I was willing to let him read a few books and hoped that they did do some good, that they would help in some way and at least get him thinking about things. Help him realize his mistakes, allow him to begin moving beyond the things that were keeping him stuck in old patterns and maybe even help him feel some honest to goodness remorse.

I don’t know if they truly helped or not. The evidence I see, points out that getting help from books was a nice fairytale and nothing more.

In any case, all of this to say – I have searched within my heart, I have read a lot of information, I have talked with people who can help folks out of these types of situations, I’ve talked to women who’ve been through this and I’ve come to the conclusion after much, much soul-searching that I must just end this marriage now. It’s just enough this time.

I cannot justify saving it.

The old saying, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me” keeps ringing in my ears.

So, I will be confronting him with all of the new evidence I’ve gathered over the past few months and asking him to leave. I’m not sure exactly when that will be yet. It will be very soon, though. I was actually planning to do it last weekend but a dear friend of ours passed away and I just couldn’t hit him with this too.

When I do ask him to leave, I will be as kind as possible. I will give him a few days to find somewhere to stay since we live in a state where he has no family and very few friends. I will not throw his stuff out the yard or burn his clothes or any of those stupid things. I want this to be as amicable as possible. I mean, I don’t hate the guy. I’m not that type of person. In fact, some would say I’m too nice most of the time and have the patience of a saint.

I have to draw the line somewhere, though. For my own sanity. For my kids’ sanity and self-esteem. I don’t want them growing up thinking this kind of behavior is acceptable. I have to stop it now.

And it seems this is only option left – unless I want to become a bitter, old bitch. ;-)

Your friend,

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She called in sick for my birthday

March 4th, 2010 · Utter Babble

I invited her to come out to dinner with us for my birthday. I had a hard time getting in touch with her. I’m assuming her cell phone bill can’t be paid because she is out of work and has no money. I had to resort to sending her private messages on facebook just to get her to look at the idea of us getting together for dinner to celebrate.

When we finally did talk on the telephone she had called me from the boyfriend’s phone to ask who all was going to come to dinner. I told her it was just for immediate family only. I let her know that her little sisters would be there, her dad and of course the birthday girl: ME.

I could tell that she wanted to ask if her boyfriend could come because there was an odd silence. I would imagine that she didn’t ask because she was calling from her boyfriend’s mother’s house and didn’t want to be embarrassed with the answer that she knew she would get if she had asked: NO!

Later on that night I told her to let me know if she wasn’t going to make it so that we would not have to waste a trip to drive out to pick her up. I asked her to let me know by 5 pm if she can’t make it. At 5:03 pm the day of my birthday she called me from her dorm to let me know she wasn’t feeling well and that her stomach was bothering her. She wanted to let me know that she gets paid on Friday and that she would like to take me to lunch or dinner to try and make it up to me. I let her know that it was nice of her to call and let us know and that she should save her money for things like: FOOD.

The girl calls in sick for work and now she calls in sick for birthdays too! I would imagine we will not see her at her Aunt and Uncle’s house for her little cousin’s birthday party this weekend. Oh well. I guess that’s what happens when your kids grow up and try to live their own life. You kind of have to go ahead and make plans without or around them. All we can do is invite her and then let the chips fall where they may. In the meantime I no longer hold my breath.

If she comes: GREAT.
If she doesn’t come: OH WELL.

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Listening to intuition

March 3rd, 2010 · Sordid Details

Dear Blabb,

The sad thing is, he didn’t used to be this way, you know? It’s interesting how people change over time. And it seems like certain types of people change in more destructive ways than others. But that’s neither here nor there, I suppose. ;-)

I do see a pattern in his behavior, though. And after an enlightening conversation with his sister when this first started happening, I can’t really say I’m entirely surprised. The interesting thing is, his sister’s first words to me after I told her what was happening were “I’m sorry you’re going through this with him. But I must say, I am not even the least bit surprised by his behavior.”

She then went on to tell me “Sometimes tough love is what it takes and if it were me, that’s exactly what I do.” I think she’s absolutely right.

I’m often wondering what other things I don’t know too . . . or haven’t found yet. Aside from the cheating and the stealing, I’ve also found out about some gambling and he’s made some rather odd comments to me from time to time about a few other things. I’m not going to say what they are yet, as I really don’t know or have any evidence of them. And even as mad as I am about the whole thing, I’m not a vindictive person and I won’t just lash out without some type of proof.

The truth is, somewhere in the back of my mind, I’ve always had doubts. Not really big doubts. Just a little niggling thought every now and then. Of course, you’re right – had I truly known what a louse he’d become, we’d have never gotten past the first date! And we certainly never would have gotten married.

When we met, he was a very hard-working guy. He seemed very responsible, happy, well-adjusted. He was kind. He showed genuine care and concern for me and for my kids. After being in an abusive relationship with my ex-husband, that was a very nice change for us.

I seriously think perhaps we should have just never gotten married. Actually, I had planned to NOT get married but his meddling, fundamentalist family began causing us a bunch of problems. It got to the point where we decided that if we were going to stay together, we would get married, mostly to save ourselves the headache. (I know, that sounds crappy and like a stupid reason to get married but really, there’s more to it than that which I’m not going to elaborate on as it’s not really relevant to the whole story at this point.)

The bottom line is, I should have listened to my intuition and done what I originally planned to do – and that is, NOT get married. I really had intended to never get married again.

Here’s an interesting quote that just ran through my mind “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”

How ironic!

In any case, I agree with you about the forgiving thing. It’s one thing to forgive and I believe it’s fundamental to ones health and happiness. But that doesn’t mean we have to keep putting up with the behavior. It doesn’t mean we to have condone the behavior.

And I’ll tell you this – I don’t care if he’s actually sorry this time or not. It won’t matter to me. The decision is made up in my mind. And I’m one of those people that once my mind is set on something, that’s it. I’m not wishy-washy about things. I make a choice and stick with it.

So, he’s up a creek if he thinks he’s going to be able to talk me into letting him stay or giving him another chance. Ain’t gonna happen!

I hope he knows it.

Your friend,

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No Call No Show

March 3rd, 2010 · Utter Babble

My daughter is a piece of work. Her and the loser boyfriend have been fired from another job. They were a no call no show on the second day of work. How sad is that? The owner of the business is a family member so they decided to give her and the boyfriend another chance. However, they made it crystal clear that second chances are hard to come by and that normally people are let go (fired) right off the bat.

The first no call no show she told her boss that she was in a car accident. That was only partially true. The accident was real but it didn’t happen on the second day of work. The car accident happened long before her and the loser boyfriend were hired at this company. How do we know all of this? Remember, the owner of the company is a family member. That family member had called us to let us know that she and the loser boyfriend had been fired.

The second no call no show is what did them in. Zero Tolerance Baby! We let the family member know that they handled it just right. They actually did a lot more to go out of their way with the second chances. So basically what it all boils down to is they both screwed up a great opportunity to make some good money while they are in school.

Oh wait! The loser boyfriend is not in school. He dropped out last semester. She is still in school but everything she is taking is a repeat because she couldn’t be bothered to go to class last semester. As a result, she flunked out and is currently on academic probation. I have to wonder if she is bothering with classes this semester since she can’t be bothered to show up to work when she doesn’t have to be at school. On top of that she almost got kicked out of her dorm this semester because of all the submitted complaints. It’s like a never ending nightmare!

These two are so bad for each other it’s not even funny. They are too busy partying it up. They can’t handle it. They can’t handle the responsibility of adult-hood. They don’t know what to do with all of this freedom. They want to do what they want to do and in the same breath ask for help with groceries? Uh, Hello!? I’m not into bailing people out who can’t appreciate the opportunities that they have in front of them. You want to be an unpaid whore by shacking up with your boyfriend? Get your own groceries!

This entire situation explains the text message that I got the other day about whether or not we were going to help with groceries. I don’t think so and I ignored the text message. That is what I do these days. I ignore the little notes that get sent my way when I know down deep that she has to figure this out for herself. You are welcome to come and eat at our house with your family at meal times any time you want to but the loser boyfriend is not welcome. He can go eat at his own house thank you very much! I don’t want him in my house and I don’t want him around my little ones. No Thank You!

Last time we helped out with groceries my husband had taken her to the grocery store and when they were unloading at the school dorm the loser boyfriend came out to help take the bags up. Yep, they are shacking up in the dorms. I don’t know how they get away with it but they do. I don’t think we will be helping her with groceries any more. The loser boyfriend can get a job and buy groceries if that’s what they are going to do: SHACK UP.

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I Don’t Blame You!

March 3rd, 2010 · Utter Babble

Dear Brainfried,

I don’t blame you for being Upset, Mad, Disgusted, and Hurt. This is A LOT to deal with in such a short amount of time. It kinda makes me wonder what he’s been up to when you weren’t looking? I hope and pray that he did not expose you to anything that could potentially be harmful to your health. Seriously, what was he thinking? It’s clear he was not thinking at all. Who is this man you married?

The Big Admission – I totally agree with you. It was a Huge Betrayal! Having pornographic discussions with strange women in chat rooms is Wrong, Wrong, Beyond Wrong! It’s pretty clear that he is not sorry about it because he keeps doing it and how can you trust someone that continues to break that marital bond? All this sex-texting going on with the mobile phones and the sharing of explicit pictures with random strangers or even friends is very Scary! I don’t blame you one bit for choosing to be done with this sort of behavior. It’s not fair and it’s not right. You deserve so much better than what he’s dishing out.

Did I tell you who found the evidence? – OMG! Your poor kiddos! BTW, forgiveness can only go so far. It’s important to forgive but also you have to know where to draw the line. You can forgive someone but that doesn’t automatically mean that you have to reconcile that forgiveness. You know what I mean? Forgiveness sometimes is more for you than it is to be about the other person. At least that is what I think. What on earth has he been stealing?

As if cheating isn’t bad enough – I’m glad that you are not beating yourself up over any of it. WOW!! Not only is he a cheater and a compulsive liar but he steals too. WOW!! WOW!! WOW!! You are right!! This is BS. You do not deserve to have to put up with this type of behavior. I think had you known then what you know now you would not even be with him. I don’t think you would have married him either.

I updated our network settings – YOU GO GIRL!!! Now THAT’S what I’m talking about!!!

Asking him to leave – Life is too short and he’s screwed up one too many times. It’s not as if you haven’t tried to work things out. He’s going to continue to blame you because that’s what they do when they are the source of the problem. Deep down he knows he screwed up and that he is wrong. BUT, it’s TOO LATE. Life is too short to spend it with the WRONG person and right now you have to put YOU and your KIDS first. He’s obviously not and there isn’t anything he can do now to change it. If he attempted to change it – it’s because he got caught and not because he’s sorry. Even if he is truly sorry like he was before it’s the same old BS. You can’t trust him no matter how you slice it. I think you are doing the right thing for YOU and for your KIDS by asking him to leave.

I’m always here for you if you need to vent, hurl or confess… ALWAYS!!!

Love,

Blabb

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I updated our network settings

March 3rd, 2010 · Sordid Details

Dear Blabb,

I put some pretty nifty software on our home network. The next time my husband tried to access some dating website, nude/porn website, chat program and what-have-you, this is what he will see . . .

Or depending on the category of blocked domain, he might see this one . . .

I mean, really – you shouldn’t mess around when your wife is a web developer (not to mention a former skiptracer and cryptologist)!

Your friend,

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As if cheating isn’t bad enough

March 2nd, 2010 · Sordid Details

Dear Blabb,

You know, when I think about this next thing I’m going to tell you, hindsight is certainly 20/20. At the time, I just chalked it up to his irresponsibility (which, is yet *another* story in this whole situation). At the time, I didn’t put 2 and 2 together. And frankly, I’m having a hard time not beating myself up over it. Because with the history of these things over the past few years, I probably should have been able to add it all up.

But anyway – I won’t beat myself up over it. I know without a doubt I’ve done all I can, that I’ve done everything right for me and for the kids.

So, let me tell you about the stealing this time. Yes, you read that right – stealing. ;-(

First, some backstory, though . . .

My lying, cheating, stealing husband is a college student. After losing his job a year ago (this week, in fact), and having a hard time finding a new job, we decided he should go to school to learn a new trade. He’s been interested in a particular career for a while (for privacy reasons, I’m not going to stare the specifics of that) and as we began researching the classes for this field, we found out he had enough credits from the english and math classes he took at this college four or five years ago to fill the prerequisite requirements. Thus, he would be able to finish this particular degree within a year.

Well, since I am the sole source of income for the time being, I handle the bills except a couple that are in his name. Now, I give him the money for those few bills he pays every month like clock-work and all he has to do is pay them. One of those bills that he was in charge of, was for *my* car.

Yes, my car. Because as a self-employed person, it’s hard for me to get a loan. As a result, my car was in his name. (We bought it before he lost his job, just fyi.)

I first knew something was up when a tow truck pulled into our yard one afternoon after he’d left for school. Come to find out from the “repo guy” that my husband hadn’t paid my car payment for 2 months!

Isn’t that nice?

Especially when *I* gave him the money to pay it.

I was so livid, I couldn’t even talk to ANYONE for days. Not even my kids. I knew if I said any words at all, I was going to scream and shout and yell. So, I kept my mouth shut.

When I confronted him about the money, he said he had paid it and he didn’t know what happened yet he refused to call the loan company with me in the room and talk with them about it. That seemed fishy to me so I kept asking him and initially, he continued to say he’d paid it. I asked for proof. He just made up excuses like “I lost it my receipt.”

His answers didn’t satisfy me by that point so I kept asking and asking. About a week later, he finally admitted he hadn’t paid it. So, I said “Well, that means if you didn’t pay it, you should still have the money, right?” He didn’t answer me.

I asked him again if he still had the money. He still didn’t answer.

By now, I’m getting mad. The kids are at school so I finally let loose and yelled at him about it. And then, THEN he admits he no longer has the money either. Of course, I ask him what the fucking hell he did with it!? And all I get is excuses – lame excuses. Like, “well, I don’t really know.” Or “I just paid some stuff.”

I’m thinking, “What the hell could he have paid? I’m the one that pays all the bills except these 2.”

Fortunately, I had enough extra money beyond savings and other bills that month that I was able to catch up the other bill he didn’t pay. But the car was too late – it was gone.

I figure he has stolen somewhere around $900 to a $1000 in the past few months between the bills he didn’t pay and some other things I’ve found missing.

And money that I had been saving for our family to go to his sisters wedding in Vermont this October went to buy me a new car instead. I just paid cash for it so I don’t have to worry about something like this happening again. And I put my mom’s name on title with me so he can’t do something stupid with it.

Because, really, at this point – I don’t trust him at all.

On the one hand, I almost wish he’d just come home one day and said “Well, I found someone else. I’m leaving.”

In some ways, I think that would have been easier to deal with than all this bullshit.

Your friend,

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Did I tell you who found the evidence?

March 1st, 2010 · Sordid Details

{a preface – I’m going to write these like letters addressed to my good friend Blabb}

Dear Blabb,

The other day I told you about finding evidence that my husband is a cheating bastard. But let me back up a little bit . . .

Although I had an idea it was happening again and I had already found some evidence (his info on dating websites, emails, chats, etc), what really pissed me off is . . .

My 16 year old daughter found the evidence. On his phone.

Yeah, the evidence with the pictures.

How nice is that? Your 16 year old daughter finds explicit photos on your phone?

He thinks he lost his phone somewhere. The truth is, the teenager found it (he had dropped it outside) and I have it now. Hiding. And turned off.

Yes, she found it outside on her way to school one morning. So, she picked it up, put it her pocket and then later, she began snooping at the contents.

And she was livid. She even called me FROM his phone to tell me she’d found it and what she found on it.

I’ve actually let this whole thing lay low for a while, hoping up on all hope that he would just confess if his phone was missing for a while. If he had done that, I think I could have found a way to work through things with him. Forgive him. Because, isn’t that we’re supposed to do? Forgive those who hurt us?

I think so.

And I likely will. But there is now way I can move forward WITH him. If he can’t be a man and tell me turth, then I don’t need him in my life. I’m tired of the hiding and the lies and stealing.

Did I mention the stealing? LOL

There’s a story for another day . . .

Your friend,

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The Big Admission

February 26th, 2010 · Sordid Details

Dear Blabb,

Well, not really an admission. It’s more of a big – I don’t know what word I’m looking for – maybe a big, hmmm . . . well, confession isn’t right either.

Whatever it is, it’s something big . . . like . . . what?

I don’t know, perhaps I should call it the big betrayal. Because that is what happened.

Not my betrayal. No. No, I am the one who was betrayed.

My husband and I have been married for 7 years, together for 8.

A couple of years ago, I caught him having explicit conversations with a woman in an online chatroom. After a lengthy conversation – one where I tried to be nice – he agreed it was wrong of him and wouldn’t do it again.

Well, that wasn’t the last time. I found out about it happening again a couple of times after that and let him know I was less than thrilled. Every time, I told him if it ever crossed the line, that would be the end.

And now?

I have to draw the line. He’s crossed it this time and I’m done.

Not only has he had inappropriate and explicit conversations with women via chat and email, he’s now doing so via cell phone texting – complete with nude pictures. Not just nude pics of THEM, mind you – but nude pictures of HIMSELF.

And he’s been dropped off at home by unknown people. He thinks I don’t notice. He thinks I don’t have it figured out but I know. I know everything. Every. little. thing.

So, that’s the end. I’m done. I will not go that road any longer. It’s over as far as I’m concerned. It’s obvious to me that he doesn’t really care and that it doesn’t matter to him.

Unfortunately, this means he’s going to be on the street because he has no family here and virtually no friends. He knows people, but he really doesn’t have any friends.

Due to the being on the street factor, I’ve tried to let it go this time. I have tried to pretend there’s nothing wrong. But I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t.

I just can’t. I won’t. It’s done.

Over.

Your friend,

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God Can Work Miracles

February 15th, 2010 · Utter Babble

I have a praise report about my daughter. She came to church on Sunday with her boyfriend. I couldn’t believe it when I saw them together. That was the best time for them to come! Not only was it Valentines Day but we had a guest speaker who may have impacted both of their lives.

The other little praise I have is that she invited us to dinner for Valentines Day at her dorm. We picked up the food and had a nice dinner. The boyfriend was there and it all went well. We are cautiously optimistic and deep down I know that God will work his plan. Oh and they are both working and he plans on going back to school next semester.

My life is filled with peace, love and hope these days and there is nothing out there that will ever spoil it for me. I am pouring myself into exercising, praying, reading my bible and keeping my mind clear of negative thoughts. I take each moment as it comes and I do not allow negative situations to have an impact on me.

I know there will be moments in time when I am frustrated and I know I can come and vent if I need to. I can pray and will continue to pray for my family, my friends, and yes even my enemies and haters alike. God Rules. God Can Work Miracles. So that’s my praise report! Hope you had a lovely weekend.

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