Blabbable Secrets

Dear Blabb,

I’ve read all sorts of things lately with regard to all this cheating stuff. About half of what I read, advises one to try to work things out. And a few years ago when this first happened, I was all for that. I didn’t want my marriage to be a failure (this is the 2nd one for both of us).

And a few years ago, it was worth saving.

Now, though. I’m not so sure.

I think if he had showed me last time that he was truly remorseful and had really tried to help me make things work, I’d still be on the page, I’d still be thinking perhaps it was salvageable.

But he didn’t try. He hasn’t tried. He never even apologized. He never once said he was sorry or felt guilty. In fact, he tried to blame ME! LOL

He said “Well, you didn’t this or didn’t that.” Or “You . . . blah, blah, blah, so it’s your fault.”

I refuted every single word he said back then as calmly and lovingly as I could. I proved to him the issues he was talking about had nothing to do with me and they, in fact, were issues he had in his first marriage. After many further discussions and really thinking about it a bit, he agreed I was right. Still, he never apologized.

But you know, I thought it really did have something to do with his ex-wife so I was willing to let it go and move on. I was willing to trust that it would be the end of the whole thing.

Since then, he’s proven otherwise, though.

One of the things we agreed on was that he would get some kind of help. I suggested several avenues – talking with a pastor we knew or finding another pastor we didn’t really know if he was more comfortable with that. I suggested if he didn’t want to talk to a pastor, he talk with a friend of ours who is a social worker and studying to become a psychologist. And I suggested if he wasn’t comfortable with either of those options, we could see a regular counselor.

Instead, he read some books. I mean, that’s nice. Books are good. But if you don’t put into practice what those books are advising you to do, it doesn’t make a difference. And of course, you can’t talk to a book. You can’t really get any feedback. It is just pretty one-sided. Maybe it doesn’t even help you get to the root of whatever issues you’re dealing with.

I think books really are good but not as a sole source of help.

But nonetheless, I was willing to let him read a few books and hoped that they did do some good, that they would help in some way and at least get him thinking about things. Help him realize his mistakes, allow him to begin moving beyond the things that were keeping him stuck in old patterns and maybe even help him feel some honest to goodness remorse.

I don’t know if they truly helped or not. The evidence I see, points out that getting help from books was a nice fairytale and nothing more.

In any case, all of this to say – I have searched within my heart, I have read a lot of information, I have talked with people who can help folks out of these types of situations, I’ve talked to women who’ve been through this and I’ve come to the conclusion after much, much soul-searching that I must just end this marriage now. It’s just enough this time.

I cannot justify saving it.

The old saying, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me” keeps ringing in my ears.

So, I will be confronting him with all of the new evidence I’ve gathered over the past few months and asking him to leave. I’m not sure exactly when that will be yet. It will be very soon, though. I was actually planning to do it last weekend but a dear friend of ours passed away and I just couldn’t hit him with this too.

When I do ask him to leave, I will be as kind as possible. I will give him a few days to find somewhere to stay since we live in a state where he has no family and very few friends. I will not throw his stuff out the yard or burn his clothes or any of those stupid things. I want this to be as amicable as possible. I mean, I don’t hate the guy. I’m not that type of person. In fact, some would say I’m too nice most of the time and have the patience of a saint.

I have to draw the line somewhere, though. For my own sanity. For my kids’ sanity and self-esteem. I don’t want them growing up thinking this kind of behavior is acceptable. I have to stop it now.

And it seems this is only option left – unless I want to become a bitter, old bitch. ;-)

Your friend,

Dear Blabb,

The sad thing is, he didn’t used to be this way, you know? It’s interesting how people change over time. And it seems like certain types of people change in more destructive ways than others. But that’s neither here nor there, I suppose. ;-)

I do see a pattern in his behavior, though. And after an enlightening conversation with his sister when this first started happening, I can’t really say I’m entirely surprised. The interesting thing is, his sister’s first words to me after I told her what was happening were “I’m sorry you’re going through this with him. But I must say, I am not even the least bit surprised by his behavior.”

She then went on to tell me “Sometimes tough love is what it takes and if it were me, that’s exactly what I do.” I think she’s absolutely right.

I’m often wondering what other things I don’t know too . . . or haven’t found yet. Aside from the cheating and the stealing, I’ve also found out about some gambling and he’s made some rather odd comments to me from time to time about a few other things. I’m not going to say what they are yet, as I really don’t know or have any evidence of them. And even as mad as I am about the whole thing, I’m not a vindictive person and I won’t just lash out without some type of proof.

The truth is, somewhere in the back of my mind, I’ve always had doubts. Not really big doubts. Just a little niggling thought every now and then. Of course, you’re right – had I truly known what a louse he’d become, we’d have never gotten past the first date! And we certainly never would have gotten married.

When we met, he was a very hard-working guy. He seemed very responsible, happy, well-adjusted. He was kind. He showed genuine care and concern for me and for my kids. After being in an abusive relationship with my ex-husband, that was a very nice change for us.

I seriously think perhaps we should have just never gotten married. Actually, I had planned to NOT get married but his meddling, fundamentalist family began causing us a bunch of problems. It got to the point where we decided that if we were going to stay together, we would get married, mostly to save ourselves the headache. (I know, that sounds crappy and like a stupid reason to get married but really, there’s more to it than that which I’m not going to elaborate on as it’s not really relevant to the whole story at this point.)

The bottom line is, I should have listened to my intuition and done what I originally planned to do – and that is, NOT get married. I really had intended to never get married again.

Here’s an interesting quote that just ran through my mind “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”

How ironic!

In any case, I agree with you about the forgiving thing. It’s one thing to forgive and I believe it’s fundamental to ones health and happiness. But that doesn’t mean we have to keep putting up with the behavior. It doesn’t mean we to have condone the behavior.

And I’ll tell you this – I don’t care if he’s actually sorry this time or not. It won’t matter to me. The decision is made up in my mind. And I’m one of those people that once my mind is set on something, that’s it. I’m not wishy-washy about things. I make a choice and stick with it.

So, he’s up a creek if he thinks he’s going to be able to talk me into letting him stay or giving him another chance. Ain’t gonna happen!

I hope he knows it.

Your friend,

Dear Blabb,

I put some pretty nifty software on our home network. The next time my husband tried to access some dating website, nude/porn website, chat program and what-have-you, this is what he will see . . .

Or depending on the category of blocked domain, he might see this one . . .

I mean, really – you shouldn’t mess around when your wife is a web developer (not to mention a former skiptracer and cryptologist)!

Your friend,

Dear Blabb,

You know, when I think about this next thing I’m going to tell you, hindsight is certainly 20/20. At the time, I just chalked it up to his irresponsibility (which, is yet *another* story in this whole situation). At the time, I didn’t put 2 and 2 together. And frankly, I’m having a hard time not beating myself up over it. Because with the history of these things over the past few years, I probably should have been able to add it all up.

But anyway – I won’t beat myself up over it. I know without a doubt I’ve done all I can, that I’ve done everything right for me and for the kids.

So, let me tell you about the stealing this time. Yes, you read that right – stealing. ;-(

First, some backstory, though . . .

My lying, cheating, stealing husband is a college student. After losing his job a year ago (this week, in fact), and having a hard time finding a new job, we decided he should go to school to learn a new trade. He’s been interested in a particular career for a while (for privacy reasons, I’m not going to stare the specifics of that) and as we began researching the classes for this field, we found out he had enough credits from the english and math classes he took at this college four or five years ago to fill the prerequisite requirements. Thus, he would be able to finish this particular degree within a year.

Well, since I am the sole source of income for the time being, I handle the bills except a couple that are in his name. Now, I give him the money for those few bills he pays every month like clock-work and all he has to do is pay them. One of those bills that he was in charge of, was for *my* car.

Yes, my car. Because as a self-employed person, it’s hard for me to get a loan. As a result, my car was in his name. (We bought it before he lost his job, just fyi.)

I first knew something was up when a tow truck pulled into our yard one afternoon after he’d left for school. Come to find out from the “repo guy” that my husband hadn’t paid my car payment for 2 months!

Isn’t that nice?

Especially when *I* gave him the money to pay it.

I was so livid, I couldn’t even talk to ANYONE for days. Not even my kids. I knew if I said any words at all, I was going to scream and shout and yell. So, I kept my mouth shut.

When I confronted him about the money, he said he had paid it and he didn’t know what happened yet he refused to call the loan company with me in the room and talk with them about it. That seemed fishy to me so I kept asking him and initially, he continued to say he’d paid it. I asked for proof. He just made up excuses like “I lost it my receipt.”

His answers didn’t satisfy me by that point so I kept asking and asking. About a week later, he finally admitted he hadn’t paid it. So, I said “Well, that means if you didn’t pay it, you should still have the money, right?” He didn’t answer me.

I asked him again if he still had the money. He still didn’t answer.

By now, I’m getting mad. The kids are at school so I finally let loose and yelled at him about it. And then, THEN he admits he no longer has the money either. Of course, I ask him what the fucking hell he did with it!? And all I get is excuses – lame excuses. Like, “well, I don’t really know.” Or “I just paid some stuff.”

I’m thinking, “What the hell could he have paid? I’m the one that pays all the bills except these 2.”

Fortunately, I had enough extra money beyond savings and other bills that month that I was able to catch up the other bill he didn’t pay. But the car was too late – it was gone.

I figure he has stolen somewhere around $900 to a $1000 in the past few months between the bills he didn’t pay and some other things I’ve found missing.

And money that I had been saving for our family to go to his sisters wedding in Vermont this October went to buy me a new car instead. I just paid cash for it so I don’t have to worry about something like this happening again. And I put my mom’s name on title with me so he can’t do something stupid with it.

Because, really, at this point – I don’t trust him at all.

On the one hand, I almost wish he’d just come home one day and said “Well, I found someone else. I’m leaving.”

In some ways, I think that would have been easier to deal with than all this bullshit.

Your friend,